A dollar only goes so far

Right now, there are fifteen things on our have-to-have list, and I have only one dollar in my wallet.

The credit cards are maxed out, and payday isn’t for another week.

And even then, I have to pay the mortgage and the car payment.

I get so tired of waiting for a miracle.    I get so tired of looking into my children’s adoring faces and knowing that I am “mom”, the one who is supposed to keep everything running smoothly, the one who is supposed to have all the answers, and the one who is supposed to be able to automatically dispense whatever it is they need.

But sometimes I can’t, and it makes me angry - not at them, but at our circumstances.  And I get crabby.  Of course, they don’t understand, and then I just get sad.

If only motherhood came with a $100,000 sign on bonus.

Then, we wouldn’t have to make the hard choices. 


Do we look into that excited little face and tell him that he can’t go to the birthday party because we can’t afford a present, or do we buy the present and skimp on groceries instead?

Do we skip a fun day at the festival or the zoo because even if there is free admission, there will be pony rides, activities and refreshments that aren’t in the budget?

Will Santa have to bring a little less this year because we’ll soon have to replace coats and snow boots, or worse yet, the furnace?


There just seems to be a never ending line of decisions to make that are all tied to money.    If my children were just spoiled and suddenly money became tight, I wouldn’t think twice about cutting back and making them do with a little less.   But when you have sweet children who have never thrown a tantrum in a store and rarely ask for anything over a dollar, it’s extremely hard to figure out how to give them a normal, happy childhood with fun experiences and fairy tales to believe in while they’re young - when the money just isn’t there.

And aside from just trying to preserve the innocence and fun of childhood, there are the bigger issues, the ones you talk about late at night, or when they’re out of ear shot.  

How are we going to pay for the life insurance, car repair, new washing machine?   How far can we stretch the tax refund? Will one of us have to take on an extra job?   

And then there are the emotional issues, the ones that a Mommy has rooted so deeply in her heart that she can’t bear to think about them.    Will we have to move? Change schools?  Babysitters?  Cancel plans and break promises?  How can I bear to look into my children’s eyes and tell them that everything they are familiar with, everything that gives them security and friendship and a sense of belonging could change?

How is a mother, who loves all her children equally, supposed to make a choice between them?  If I choose to change schools and cancel plans, it hurts Big Kid, and tears my heart out.  If I choose to take an extra job to keep Big Kid’s life humming along smoothly, I lose these precious toddler years with Little Kid that I can never get back, and that tears my heart out.   It seems no matter what choice we make, somebody loses, or everybody loses in some way.

But if I just bury my head in the sand, eventually there will be a foreclosure sign staked next to it. 

Still, the choices are too hard.  A mom should never have to choose between time with her children, making her children feel loved and connected, giving them memories with her or taking a job to pay for their basic needs.  How do you choose between food in their bellies or love and security in their hearts.

And every moment that I don’t decide is another moment of their childhoods spent in worry, stolen from me forever.  It’s a vicious cycle in my head.

Maybe you’ve got the same heaviness in your heart right now.  Maybe there are impossible decisions to make and not enough time to make them.  Maybe they’re being made for you and you’re angry. 

Or maybe you’re like me, just closing your eyes, trying to drown out everything but your children’s laughter, and praying for a miracle.