Shameless men and one shocked Mommy

I am a happily married woman.  Well, maybe not always happily, but definitely always married.    I do not look at the other fish in the sea, I do not flirt and I’m old and wise enough now to know that the grass is not greener on the other side.  

No matter what phases we go through or spats we have, I love my husband.  I’m not looking to trade him in or set him aside while I dabble in stupidity with somebody else.   When I got married, I went into this with the attitude that it is for a lifetime.

Now, in today’s world, I know I may be in the minority, but I still wish that the men out there would at least have the decency to respect my marriage until I’ve given them some sign that I don’t.

It never ceases to amaze me how desperate some men are to find a woman.    It should be an encouragement to us that we really are fine the way we are, that is, if it weren’t so doggone creepy.  We spend so much time worrying about our weight, our hair, our adult acne, the jagged scar down the center of our face, the hair growing out of our chin, whether or not our adult diaper is showing through our pants - and yet, some guys don’t even seem to notice any of that stuff.

Or, the fact that we’re pregnant with one child and holding the hand of another. 

Seriously.

Seriously?

I was once shopping for party supplies with my then preschool age son, when a store employee approached us and began to flirt with me, shamelessly.

I made every polite effort to make him aware of the child I had with me, the child I had in me, and the husband I had at home.

But this guy was not easily deterred.   When I mentioned the husband, he became even more shameless and told me I could call on him if my husband wasn’t satisfying.    Excuse me, my four year old child is standing beside me!  Shameful.   Plain and simple.  Shameful.

That’s when the protective Mommy mode kicks in and this guy no longer has a snowflake’s chance in July to get away from me fast enough.   I was not going to have this person, no longer deserving the honor of being called a “man”, stand there and model this behavior for my little boy.

No matter how far we’ve fallen from our marriage vows in today’s society, I still can’t believe the audacity of some people.   

But as much as that guy was desperate in a creepy sort of way, there’s another one whose desperation would surely make the top ten list, but is much more laughable.

When I go in for my Cancer follow ups, I have to go to a department called Nuclear Medicine.   They do all sorts of things there, but namely conveyor you under a high-tech camera for 45 minutes while they search for tumors or other signs that your body is turning against you.

Well, the last time I went in, I had to be verified in their computer system first.   I was escorted to a desk by a very well-dressed, professional looking man.   Now, let me remind you, I’d been without my regular medication for nearly a month, which means I’m pretty much fatigued, in a mental fog, hormonal and ready to beg, borrow or steal to get that tiny little pill back into my system.   But, I can’t do that until the giant camera says I’m all clear.   So, for the time being, I have to trudge through life like a sloth on Valium.

And yet, even in that puffy-faced, exhausted, glassy-eyed state, apparently, I’m attractive.    To think of all the money I could have saved on cosmetics if I’d known this before I had Cancer!

This man, who you’d never think to be anything but completely professional by his appearance, turned out to be another shameless flirt.   As he verified my existence in the computer, he noted with dissatisfaction that I am married.  In my slowed brain activity state, it took me a minute or two to realize he was flirting.  My first thought was something was wrong with our insurance and so help me if it screwed up my getting that beloved little pill back into my system, heads were going to roll! 

But as it turned out, no one was in danger, and to his dismay, not even my marriage.

Not only was I not interested, it was all I could do not to burst out laughing.

I mean, come on.   You want a woman in your life so badly that you’ll not only take one who looks like a bloated fish, but who could also potentially have a giant tumor eating away at her insides?

I guess that’s one way to avoid a long-term commitment.  

I think when these things happen, I am, at first, dumbfounded that these guys, who you know at some point were gangly, awkward teenagers scared to death of rejection, now approach me with such gall.   But then, it’s just plain bewildering to have been married two decades and spend your whole day tending to messy, whiny, naughty or otherwise needy children and then to suddenly be faced with how to respond to another man’s interest.  Shoot, you’re usually so exhausted, you don’t even know how to respond to your husband’s interest!

If you think about it long enough though, it is kind of funny.   As much as we feel like we’ve got a giant sign around our neck that reads, MOMMY, and that’s all we see ourselves as, there is always somebody out there who didn’t get the memo, or I guess, in this case, the birth announcement.

I guess I should be thankful.  As a busy mom, this is just what I needed!   I’m going to have so much time on my hands from now on, now that I know I don’t have to worry anymore.   As soon as I finish off this package of Girl Scout cookies, I’m going to pull on my “fat” pants and toss out my mascara.  

And if my husband takes issue with that, I’ll just send him out to look for pregnant women and Cancer patients.

Oh wait, he’s already had both of those and he’s still here.  Wow.  I’m the luckiest girl in the world.