Hurting people hurt people

It’s one of those days.   You know, the days when you could easily blame the children, but if you tell the truth, it’s not really them.

Sometimes, it’s the Other One.    These are the days that are worse because if it were the children, you could chalk it up to kids just being kids.  But, when it’s the other adult, all you can do is sit in shock and bewilderment, wondering where on earth he gets the gall to act like this.

Of course, it starts out as shock and bewilderment, but then it turns to anger, and then seething anger.   Pretty soon you’ve got a list of wrongs dating back six years and you can’t wait to sling it in his face.   How dare he put you through this now, after all he’s already put you through!  

But as quickly as the anger comes, there is fear there too.   Is this the end of the road?  And then there is sadness - for what would be lost, for what could easily be fixed if he’d only listen to you, and for him - because you still love him and you don’t like to see him hurting so much that he can’t keep himself from hurting you. 

Still, as much as anything else, you get mad at yourself.    Why do we women fight so hard to be heard, to be treated as equals, but then find ourselves so dependent on these men?  

It’s our hearts.   We want to ride the high of his affection and we think we can weather the lows when he’s down.    But sometimes, life kicks you, and it kicks him, and then it kicks him again and harder and harder, until he’s so far down that you can’t reach him anymore.  He needs somebody to blame and you’re the closest target.   So then that heart, that soft heart that led you straight into his loving arms to begin with, is now broken, desperately wondering if he will ever be pulled up from the muck and the mire and return to the prince you once knew.   And you hate yourself for waiting it out.   But you love him enough to wait.

These darn female hearts of ours.    They take a beating until they are barely beating on their own, and yet they keep us bound.    For those that we’ve loved are forever entangled in our hearts somehow, and no matter how messy it gets, we’re in it for the long haul. 

But we’d give up chocolate and a good book and red wine if the long haul would take a serious shortcut.