I'm not afraid of you, 40

Okay, so not too long ago, it finally happened. I’d been a bit dazed and confused for a while, but I think I’m ready to talk about it. Well, maybe I better lie down first....

Alright, it’s like this: When I was busy having 52 separate conversations with children and mopping up spills and stocking up stuff for Christmas, it snuck up on me, the big 4-0.

I woke up one day and I was in my 30's, still feeling youthful and like I had a lifetime to accomplish all my dreams. And then, the clock struck midnight and just like that, life as I knew it was over.

Suddenly, I seemed sooooo much older than my husband, who won’t catch up to me for about a year. Calculations of how old I’d be when my children graduate high school began to dance in my head. Percentages such as how much of my life was most likely past, popped up in my morning’s first thoughts. I began to survey our debt, our retirement savings, the 5 year plans I never made, the length of time it takes to accomplish certain goals and all sorts of formulas for achieving the life I’ve always wanted started to swirl around my head like dizzying stars to a concussion. Calculations, percentages, formulas; for a girl who was never good at math, 40 had sure done a number on me!

But then, once my heart settled into a normal rate, I realized something. My 30's sucked. Oh sure, my children were born, I found a great house, I had some good times, but in between those brief moments of pleasure were four surgeries, two rounds of physical therapy, numerous deaths, a miscarriage, a company closure, financial nightmares, two car accidents, marital difficulties, Cancer, and I’m sure other things which I have just resorted to repressing due to overload. It’s no wonder all of this led to the Adrenal Gland Fatigue I now have to overcome as I enter into the next decade.

So, though I may be starting out tired, it is my sincere hope that this decade will be kinder. Though my children will no doubt try every ounce of strength and energy that I have, my budget will not instantly have wiggle room, and I’ll be stuck with the label “Cancer Patient” until I’m on the eve of the next decade up from here, I’m choosing to believe that this will be the time in my life when I finally get it all together.

These will be the years when I stop finding little scraps of paper or computer files journaling my feelings, only to find that I’m still feeling the same way 10 years later! These will be the years when I do something about it, instead of just talking. This will be the time when I see long-held dreams come into reality, the time in my life when I can be proud of the lessons of determination that I will model for my children. These will be the years when I get into shape, physically and mentally. I will somehow prevail over this financial beast that has been gnawing at my heels for way too long. I will fight back. I will rise up and give my 30's a good hard kick in the teeth.

I’m not sure where I will find all this gumption, but I’m certain that it’s out there, or within me, to be found. So, I will press on, and maybe with all of you marching beside me, I’ll feel stronger than I ever have. Then, when it’s your turn to face the 40 monster, or 50 or 60 - or shoot, maybe you’re still just worried about 30 (I remember that one!), I’ll be ready to take your hand and pull you through that door of the unknown, and by then, I’ll be able to show you around a bit.

So, 40, I’m not afraid of you! If I can survive the 30's I had, I could probably survive in the wilderness with nothing but a thimble and a scouring pad. But, I might need to lie here for a while first....